The Joke Thread

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Speeder
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Post by Speeder »

Stolen joke -

The Redneck and the Policeman

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the
dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'er tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I
fed her beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand,
your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him and says, "Go right ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

battmain
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Post by battmain »

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/features ... 8365.story


In the early 1970s, a huge bull escaped from a pasture in Orange County and ran onto Interstate 4, almost causing several wrecks.

I was with the Florida Highway Patrol at the time, and troopers were dispatched to help corral the bull.

Their efforts were unsuccessful.

According to the troopers, the bull suddenly charged and they were forced to shoot it in self-defense.

Later, a supervisor paid a visit to the bull's owner to discuss the situation and explain why it had been necessary to shoot the bull.

The owner — a crusty old rancher — stood gazing out over his pasture and chewing on a weed as the supervisor related how the troopers were almost killed by the charging bull.

The supervisor, satisfied he gave a good report on the situation, waited for a response from the rancher.

The rancher took the weed out of his mouth, gazed up at the clouds and said, "Sir, I have one question for you. How do you go about shooting a charging bull in the behind?"

battmain
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Post by battmain »


Hog
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Post by Hog »

Wow, thats right up there with teh best vid I have seen. I literally deeked out of the way of the bottle sitting here in my seat.

Thats just crazy luck. It should be on America's Funniest Home Videos.

peace
Hog

Speeder
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Post by Speeder »


BigBlock1969
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Post by BigBlock1969 »

A mom and dad are having a dinner party tonight. They are the type who argue and fight over every damn thing under the sun.

So they're arguing over side items to serve with dinner when:

Dad: "I said we're having peas, you B***h!"
Mom: "And *I* said green beans, you Bastard!"

5 year old Johnny interrupts

Johnny: "What does 'B***h' and 'Bastard' mean?"

Both parents stutter for a moment

Dad: "It's new words for 'ladies' and 'Gentlemen', go play."

Sometime later...

Johnny hears mommy and daddy arguing again

Mom: "You have prickly balls."

Dad: "Well, you have saggy boobs!"

Johhny: "What are prickly balls and saggy boobs?"

Again, both parents stammer and stutter

Mom: "It's new words for....Coats and Hats. Go play."

Even later that afternoon...

Johnny runs into the bathroom where his daddy is shaving

Johhny: "HEY, DADDY!"

Dad cuts himself: "OW! SHIT!"

Johhny: "What does shit mean, daddy?"

This time, daddy is ready: "It's a new word for whiskers. Go. Play!"

Obeying his father, the little guy runs into the kitchen where his mother is cutting a Turkey.

Johnny: "HEY, MOMMY!"

She drops the knife: "Ah, f**k."

Johnny: "Mommy, what does 'f**k' mean?"

Mommy is ready for this: "It's the new word for carving a Turkey"

DING, DONG!

Mommy: "Oh, that will be our dinner guests! Go and great them, Johnny."

Johhny runs down the hall, throws the front door open and grinning from ear to ear...

Johnny: "Welcome, bitches and bastards! Please, come in. Remember to remove your prickly balls and saggy boobs. My daddy is in the bathroom shaving shit off of his face, and my mommy is in the kitchen, fucking the turkey!"

If you're offended by this: GROW UP! ;)

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshire man: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

CrazyHoe
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Post by CrazyHoe »

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he a sks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »


Ratchet831
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Post by Ratchet831 »

You know, a NSFW or a heads up to turn the volume down would have been appreciated..............

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

That was the joke! Oh no, sorry. I probably should have thought of that. The video was so dumb it was funny, I had to post it.

CrazyHoe
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Post by CrazyHoe »

Mmmmm. After reviewing the video, I thought about it and... I came to the conclusion that he needs to loose weight.

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

I've just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house!

--Turns out she was a Slovak!!!

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

.." Teacher asks her class if Ohio State is their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy. What's your favorite football team Jimmy? Jimmy says "U of M" The teacher asks, Well, why is that? Jimmy says, Well, my dad is a U of M fan, my mom is a U of M fan, I guess that makes me a U of M fan." The angry teacher says, If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?" welll, said Little Jimmy,"that would make me an Ohio State fan"

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks!?!?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, hunting, golf, and sex."

Pro
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not a joke

Post by Pro »


Rob_B
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Post by Rob_B »

Subject: I LOVE MY JOB


Most unusual!!! Moral of this story.....be astute with your choice of employment!

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana, he performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.


Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50' behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?�

The fellow with the dog answered, “My wife’s.�

�What happened to her?�

The man replied, “She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her.�

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?�

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her, and killed her too.�

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The man with his coffee, looked down at the dog, and up at it's owner and asks, “Can I borrow the dog?�

The man replied, "Get in line".

Makoi
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Adam & Eve

Post by Makoi »

The day after God created Eve, He went to Eden to check on Adam.
"Adam", He said, "Yesterday I made a woman for you. Did you see her?"
And, Adam replied, "Yes".
God asked, "Did you see that she was different than you are?"
And, Adam replied, "Yes".
God said, "Did you see that in one place the woman is very different than you are?"
And, Adam replied, "Yes".
God asked, "And, did you explore that difference?"
And, Adam replied, "Yes, I did. My fingers and my hands got all smelly!"
God asked Adam, "Well, what did you do?"
Adam replies, "I went down to the lake and washed my hands off in the water."
"Oh no!", cried God.
"What's wrong?", asked Adam.
"Well", God says, "now all the fish are going to smell like that!"

Makoi
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Donations

Post by Makoi »

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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