The Joke Thread

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Speeder
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Post by Speeder »

Stole from another site:

This sounds like where I work

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!� – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,� says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over….. “every time the bell rang�.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is why I say that when you want a problem solved, don't ask an engineer to find a solution, ask a lazy man how he'd do it.

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, lobster, champagne, etc.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

Makoi
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Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

In the near future

Post by Makoi »


Speeder
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Post by Speeder »

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

Bowtiewarrior
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Location: flying past ford trucks...

Post by Bowtiewarrior »

This is terrible....
but it was in an email thread to me..


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama
6. Firmly click ‘YES’
7. Feel better?

GOOD – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi.

Makoi
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is restless again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.
Obama calls out, "Tom, please tell me "what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing that I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

Makoi
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When to start cussing

Post by Makoi »

A 6 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nodded his head in approval.
The 6 year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agreed with enthusiasm.
When the mother walked into the kitchen and asked the 6 year old what he wanted for breakfast, he replied, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rearend with every step.
His mom locked him in his room and shouted, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then came back downstairs, looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

A man left from work one Friday afternoon.
But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys & spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife & was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging & simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by & he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday & Wednesday came & went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

CrazyHoe
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Post by CrazyHoe »

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those pills that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

Pro
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Location: because of natural gas leaks

Post by Pro »

Bowtiewarrior wrote:This is terrible....
but it was in an email thread to me..


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama
6. Firmly click ‘YES’
7. Feel better?

GOOD – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdSYhwLENvM

Pro
Posts: 5738
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 1996 8:12 pm
Location: because of natural gas leaks

Post by Pro »


Makoi
Posts: 4159
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Received this email caution today!

Post by Makoi »

Subject: Fwd: Internet Warning

INTERNET WARNING


If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"

don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Makoi
Posts: 4159
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did a this to you? I wanna to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem
pregnancy. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I will take charge and do what I can.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder,
looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, "You a gonna try again!"

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

z71gmc06
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Location: Michigan

Post by z71gmc06 »

lol, that's not nice!

Whipped383
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Post by Whipped383 »

Wife tells man go to the store and get yourself some of those male enhancement pills, man comes home and tosses wife a bottle of diet pills

Makoi
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Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

The Welfare Check

Post by Makoi »

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said: "Hi, you know what? I just HATE drawing welfare ... I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said: "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. The salary is $100,000 a year.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say, but you will also be required as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s, and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said: "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it."

Makoi
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Post by Makoi »

The other night, I said to my wife, "Give me a blowjob."

She replied, "Can't you be more romantic than that?"

So, I said, "Okay, give me a blowjob in the rain."

z71gmc06
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Location: Michigan

Post by z71gmc06 »

You could also offer to put some music on. :evil:

CrazyHoe
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Post by CrazyHoe »

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"


"No thank you," Maxine replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."


"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"


"No, they spread."

Locked